I have been dissilusioned

I always thought that following God was full of pillows and roses. Such is not the case. Oh, I could quote you the verses. Luke 9:23 Galatians 2:20 And on and on. But for some reason I chose to ignore them. It is true then, I guess, that I was dissilusioned. But it was of my own doing. Why when we are faced with the truth of God do we walk away from it and embrace something else? Why do we think that we can find truth that will better suit us somewhere else? But I do. Daily. My mind is in a continual struggle with itself. I think that because I am following God, it should be easy. But the christian life is hard. We here in America don't know. We have everything easy. Even our poor live better than the rich in many places. So we want our religion to be easy also. That is why so many sermons focus on getting a better life, marriage, kids, money situation, all these things that we think will make us happy. Actually, it's pretty easy to follow God on sundays and wednesdays. It's the rest of the week that makes it difficult. Many people don't even worry about wednesdays, they just go on Sunday, and only in the morning.

Christ said if anyone would follow him they must deny themselves daily and take up their cross to follow him. Father, I thank you that I must die to myself in order to live in you daily. I thank you for that. Why does He make it hard? You see, dissapointment and heartache and trial tend to blind us from the very presence of God. When we go through those times we are closer to him than ever before. Thank you for my cross, Lord, on which I die to my old self. It makes me closer to you.

Father, even though my path is dark before me, and I cannot see my way. I trust you. That is what my heart screams to yours. I trust you. Wherever you lead me, I know that it is the right path. Whenever you decide to take my life, I trust you. Whoever you decide to bring into my life, or to take from it I trust you.

Father, whenever people look at my life, I want them to know that I trust you. Make me do radical things for you. Help me to seek you with a reckless devotion. Help me to love you no matter what the cost to my life. Take me into situations that make me depend on you everyday. Take me somewhere that I have to depend on you minute by minute, for each breath I take, for every word I say. For every word I hear, I want to depend on you. Father, make my life hard so I can depend on you more. I can't believe that I pray that, but it is the deep gutteral cry of my soul. Make me depend on you more. Thank you, Father, for all that you are going to do.

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